Note: I wrote this early last month for a friend who works at a local hospice and wanted stories and experiences of lockdown from local residents. It's a little outdated now but thought I'd share here anyhow. Jx
When I was asked to write this piece about my experiences of covid-19, I wasn't quite sure where to start, what to include or which direction to go in. And with a 2-year-old running around, there wasn’t a lot of thinking time to sort through all the ideas flying around in my head! But, after a challenging spell of highs and lows, the jumble began to fall into place.
After having our daughter, I struggled with postnatal PTSD and depression and found counselling sessions a huge help. It was at those sessions that I discovered I had no real awareness of how I was feeling, finding it really difficult to recognise my feelings let alone talk about them. That experience has proven useful this year because, while it’s something I still sometimes struggle with, I’m getting better at being more aware of how I’m feeling and where my mental health is at. And that has been crucial for me in surviving lockdown. It’s allowed me to keep check on how I am doing and put strategies into place to help when I’ve felt that things were beginning to unravel.
So, how am I feeling about this life in lockdown?
I feel less anxious. Contrary to most people, I am less anxious about picking up bugs right now. In fact, March 2020 was the healthiest I’ve been in a while. It was the first month in over a year where I wasn’t fighting at least one virus or infection. I’m immunosuppressed so it’s my norm to go about my life eyeing anyone with a cough or cold with suspicion and staying as far away from them as is politely possible. Now I’ve received my letter from the government advising me to “shield”, I’m staying at home and watching everyone else go about their lives 2m apart and eyeing anyone with a cough with suspicion!
But shielding has led to many negative feelings, including helplessness and hopelessness. I’m at home alone with my daughter while my husband is at work and the simple task of nipping to the local Co-op for bread or milk when we run out is not an option for me. I have to wait on my husband to come home and it feels like I have to rely on him for everything, like I can do nothing for myself anymore. I’ve also experienced feelings of hopelessness lately. As more detail has emerged about the phased exit from lockdown, my return to normality seems to stretch further and further into the distance.
I feel lonely. Despite being with my daughter all day, it’s lonely with no-one else around to talk to, to share the load with. While my daughter is a bit of a chatter box, the vocabulary of a 2-year-old is not really up to much depth of conversation!
I feel exhausted. Like most toddlers, mine is a bundle of energy and is constantly on the go. She swings from the chaos of drawing on a door, painting on the wooden floor, scribbling on my monitor with biro or emptying glue bottles on the floor while I hang out the washing to cute and cuddly, asking mummy to come play in the mud kitchen, paint, do jigsaws or snuggle on the sofa with story books. So, there’s not much down time for me and any I do get I need to use to prepare meals, order groceries or log in to work and get some work done.
I feel frustrated. I’m not able to be as present with work as I would like to be and I find it frustrating. I’m managing the bare essentials but as things get busier as we slowly unlock from “stay at home” I’m having to do more and more at night while the wee one sleeps just to keep on top of the minimum. I’m also frustrated that I can’t get quiet time to myself to recharge, read a book, write my blog, work on the website I am creating, etc, etc. I know it is short-term in the grand scheme of things and I am very lucky to have my toddler distraction but it’s frustrating nonetheless.
I feel grateful. Grateful for many things. Firstly, this hasn’t been my worst year. Lockdown has been tough but there have been other periods in my life that have been much harder to deal with. Thankfully I’m not dealing with them and lockdown at the same time! Secondly, I have a beautiful, happy and healthy daughter who I am very lucky to have in my life. Not everyone gets to spend so much time with their child at this age without financial pressures so, although it’s hard going, I’m grateful that I have this time with her and an understanding employer who is putting the welfare of their staff and their caring responsibilities first, easing the pressure on parents like me with young children.
I’m grateful we live in a decent sized house and have garden to roam in! I’m grateful for my smartphone so I can take plenty of photos to help us remember this bizarre period in our lives. I’m grateful for an understanding and supportive husband who does all he can to support me at home despite continuing to work full time in the NHS. For supportive parents who Skype regularly and send surprise flowers to cheer me up since they live too far away for “through the window” chats or socially distant meet-ups in the park. And by reminding myself to be grateful, I feel happy and content. Mostly!
Recognising these feelings and talking about them with my husband, friends and family really helps. It doesn’t change the situation but it is one coping mechanism I use. It allows me to put other strategies into place, for example a daily routine and exercise. Sport is a big part of my life so creating a routine of exercising from my living room every morning has not only provided me with some sort of “me time” that I crave (my daughter potters about around me while I exercise, sometimes joining in or climbing all over me as I plank!) it also offers me a sense of achievement and does wonders for my physical and mental health!
So how about you? How are you feeling? You would have had to have been hiding under a rock in a dark cave somewhere to escape messaging about the importance of your mental health during lockdown so make sure you take the time to check in on yourself and how you are feeling. Talk to those around you, find some coping strategies that work for you and seek out help if you need it. Taking the time to look after yourself like this is more important now than ever.
